


The Ghost of You [Reddie]

by bellarose_writes



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Adult Themes, Aged Up, Eddie Kaspbrak - Freeform, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Homophobic Language, It Chapter Two, M/M, Mentions of Sexual Content, Mentions of homophobia, Mentions of past abuse, Movie: IT Chapter Two (2019), Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Reddie Fic, Richie Tozier - Freeform, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, eddie/richie - Freeform, rated for adult themes, richie tozier is a dick even when dead, richie/eddie - Freeform, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:34:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22257268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellarose_writes/pseuds/bellarose_writes
Summary: In the final batter, Richie takes Eddie's place and dies. Eddie tries to move on with his life, but he is greeted by the ghost of Richie who tries to be his guardian angel.A classic love story: a boy falls in love with his childhood friend and decides to keep it a secret, they grow apart and meet in again in an anticipated reunion, however when he dies after attacking a clown, he decides to haunt him and show him the fun side of life.Disclaimer: the characters are from IT Chapter Two.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 3
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

><

"Richie, please wake up, I need you to wake up!"

"You can't just leave him down here!"

"Get the fuck off me, Richie please!"

><

It had been a full week since Eddie had been pulled away from Richie's lifeless body. A week since he screamed and clawed at his friends as they grabbed his arms, pulling him out of the falling cave. A week since he was meant to leave Derry, but instead stayed in the hotel room alone. Alone. Eddie had never felt more alone. At home, he had a wife, a job, friends... but even though he felt alone right now, he knew that going back to that life would make him feel even more alone. He didn't want to forget again, and he didn't want to forget about Richie. Throughout the week, there had been light taps on his door from his friends trying to coo him out of his small hotel room. Exactly one week after he had seen Richie for the last time, there was another light tap on the door. 

"Hey, Eddie, it's me." A quiet women's voice could be heard on the other side of the wooden door. Beverly. "I'm sorry Eddie, but it's really urgent."

He opened his eyes, the light hurt. Small spots filled his vision as he rubbed his eyes. The light had burst into the room in small rectangle shapes from the wooden blinds covering the window. It was only Eddie's indication of what time of day it was. Every time he opened his eyes the light rectangles had moved a couple of feet to the right until they disappeared, and he waited for them to return the next day. 

There was another small tap on the door.

Eddie groaned and stood up with wobbly legs. He slid open the lock and creaked open the door slightly. He peaked his deep brown eyes and squinted through the light. Bev's loving eyes appeared on the other side. 

"Please, can I come in?" She whispered. Eddie nodded, and opened the door a tiny bit more, before sleepily walking back to his bed. Beverly, who opened the door rest of the way, walked after Eddie with light footsteps. Eddie climbed under his sheets once again, and Beverly sat on the edge of the bed. 

"I need to tell you something." Beverly was gently stroking Eddie's legs, trying to comfort him like he was a small child. Eddie just glanced up at what she had to say. He pulled the duvet up to his nose. Beverly coughed slightly before speaking.

"Myra found you." 

"Oh fuck." Eddie finally spoke. His voice was coarse, he realised he hadn't spoken all week, just cried heavily.

"I know, but it's not necessarily a bad thing, maybe you should go home." Eddie just groaned and pulled the duvet over his head. "I know it's shit Eddie, but you should. Apparently, she'd called every hotel in the area until she found you." 

"I'm not leaving." Eddie grumbled from under the sheets. Beverly crawled up the bed and straddled Eddie. She quickly yanked the duvet off his face. He glared up at her. 

"You have a home, Eddie. Someone that loves you. That's more than any of us." Eddie once again tried to pull the duvet over his head, but Bev pulled it from him. "Eddie, you are being ridiculous." Eddie frowned. Beverly groaned and climbed off the bed. 

"I'll tell her that you're staying another day and that you'll call her. We can't stay here forever." With that, Bev slammed the door shut. 

Eddie couldn't be bothered to get up and lock the door behind her. Eddie wanted to scream. They had lost Richie and everyone else wanted to move on. He pulled the duvet back over his head, he didn't know if he wanted to sob or scream, but he knew that he didn't want to leave this hotel room. He felt light-headed, he felt sick and he felt ashamed. He wrapped his arms around his head. 

"You know, this is not how I pictured you in bed." 

Eddie sat up instantly. The world span around him. The dizziness settled and he rubbed his eyes. 

"Wearing clothes, very disappointing, Eddie spaghetti."

He was going to be sick. But he was frozen. His eyes settled on the figure sat in the armchair in the corner. Curly hair falling over dark eyes. 

Richie.

"Richie..." Eddie muttered. 

"I have literally been dying to speak to you!" Richie jumped up from out of his seat, which made Eddie shuffle back in his bed. His scared eyes couldn't be taken of Richie's body, who was walking to the right side of the double bed. "You know, get it! Dying!" Eddie slid off the bed on the opposite side to Richie. He fell against the wall, using it to keep his body stable. 

"I'm dreaming..." Eddie stammered. 

"Nope, I'm here baby!" Richie swung his arms out straight, the attempted a bow. He shot his dark eyes back up at Eddie, looking over his glasses. "And I've never felt better."

Eddie ran. His hand edged along the wall and the furniture, trying to keep him up straight. He ran to the bathroom. He got to the sink and grabbed the rim. He quickly turned the taps on and splashed his face with cold water. 

"This isn't happening..." Eddie muttered while rubbing his eyes. He took a deep breath and stood up straight, whipping the water from his eyes. But when he blinked the blurriness away Richie was stood behind him. Eddie spun around, stumbling over himself. He backed into the cover of the room, grabbing onto anything that would keep him up. Richie stood there, hands dug into his pockets, almost like he as patiently waiting for Eddie to calm down. 

"I'm not dreaming, am I?" Eddie whispered. 

"You've got to admit, weirder things have happened Eds. We killed a fucking clown last week."

"Exactly a week ago." Replied Eddie.

"Have you been counting?" Richie laughed.

"Actually yes." Eddie murmured. Richie took a step forward. Eddie's eyes looked up at the taller man. Eddie felt like he was sinking down the wall slightly.

"Eddie, I'm here. I'm alive." Richie said in an almost loving tone. He reached his hand out and touched Eddies, pale skin. Eddie lent into it. Richie's hand was warm. Richie had always been warm, a lot warmer then Eddie anyway. He thought back to cold nights when the losers sat outside making campfires and Richie would place a warm hand on top of Eddies.

"You really are here..." Eddie whispered. Richie smiled in response. 

Suddenly, Eddie heard the door fly open and footsteps in his room.

"Eddie, I swear to god, she's found my number now! Not only is she calling the hotel non-stop, but she's also now bloody calling me." Bevs voiced echoed. Her head popped round the corner of the bathroom door. "What are you doing?" She asked. Eddies still shaking body was standing in the corner of the bathroom. He looked around Richie's body. He glanced at him, then back at Bev. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing could escape his lips. 

"Ok, so this might be a really good time to say no one else can see me..." Richie finally spoke. 

Eddie stared at him mouth open.

"And yes I am a ghost, and God has chosen you for me to haunt!" Richie took a small step back and gave a wide goofy grin, whilst doing a confused shrug. 

Eddie took two fast steps to the toilet, falling onto his knees and threw up. He heaved heavily over and over again. 

"Ew." Richie responded.

"Oh my god, Eddie!" Beverly rushed over to him, pushing his short hair back like that would make a difference. She put one hand on his back and rubbed gently. "Are you ok?"

Eddie, with both arms, leant on the toilet bowl, pulled himself up slightly and glanced over at Richie. Richie, in response, put two thumbs up and gave him a hearty smile.


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you done?" Bev comforted Eddie with a gentle voice. 

"Please tell me you are done, this is super gross." Richie moaned. 

Eddie was still hunched over the toilet of his damp hotel room centred in the middle of Derry. Tears streamed down his eyes, he was unsure if it was from the heaving or from the emotions that were filling he body. Beverly handed Eddie his inhaler again, and he took several more puffs. He handed it back to her when he felt his chest relax more. His hand fumbled around to find the toilet handle as he leaned up slightly. 

"Can you get me some water?" He mumbled over the noise of the toilet flushing. 

"Yeah, of course, let me just go find a glass." Bev gave Eddie one last rub on the back before getting up and leaving the small bathroom. Eddie leant back down, trying to make sure he wasn't going to hurl again. 

"I haven't seen you throw up this much since your 16th birthday when we got drunk off Mike's uncle's liquor cabinet." Richie giggled. He pushed his glasses up his nose as he reminisced.

"Shut up," Eddie mumbled, feeling like he was going to throw up again.

"And I can't wait to you try and get up with your old man knees. That's going to be hilarious!" Richie laughed. 

"Shut up!" Eddie yelled. Richie took a step back, surprised by his sudden outburst. Eddie stared up at Richie, fire in his eyes. He was furious, scared, tired, every single emotion hit him all at once. Eddie didn't take his gaze off Richie until he heard quick footsteps in his bedroom approaching the bathroom. Beverly ran back in, glass clutched in her hand. She swiped her ginger hair out of her eyes. 

"What did you say? Did you shout something? Are you hurt?" Bev gasped. 

"No, it's fine." Eddie responded quickly. Bev just nodded as she filled the glass in the sink. The water gushed and a few drops fell on the top of Eddie's head. 

"Here drink this." Beverly bent down and handed the glass over to Eddie, who stared at it for a moment without taking it off her. He then stared at his friend. "What now?"

"I can't drink this." He glimpsed up at Bev with tired eyes.

"Why not?" She said in an agitated tone.

"You're not meant to drink water straight from the tap. Mercury, lead, copper, chromium, cadmium, and aluminium all pollute tap water. And not to mention all the germs that are found in bathroom taps..."

"Fine! I will go get you bottled water from reception, ok?" Beverly interrupted.

"Yes please," Eddie whispered, almost embarrassed. Beverly nodded and left the bathroom. Once Eddie heard the door close of the hotel room, he took a big sigh and shuffled back so he was leaning against the bathtub. He ran his fingers through his hair. As he opened his eyes, he saw that Richie hadn't left his position since he snapped at him. Richie was awkwardly staring at the ground, moving his left foot slightly in agitation, he hands still dug into his pockets. 

"This is actually happening..." Eddie said quietly. 

"This is actually happening," Richie repeated, finally looking up from his gaze. "You know, this could be a good thing." Richie was still tumbling with his feet, he felt awkward standing there staring at his friend's almost lifeless body. He wanted to make a joke about how Eddie looked like the dead one, but he held himself back for the first time in his life.

"I know... I'm just... I'm trying to get used to it all." Eddie grumbled. He rubbed his eyes once again. When he reopened them, Richie was suddenly sat crossed legged next to him, leaning against the bath. "Jesus!" Eddie jumped, "Don't do that!" 

"Sorry, still trying to get used to the whole movement thing." Richie looked down on his twiddling thumbs.

"It's ok." The two men sat in silence for a moment. Moments of silence were rare between the two men. Even as kids when they sat in silence, Richie would freak out and start jabbering away. Then right on queue, Richie nudged Eddie with his shoulder. Eddie swayed slightly and smiled.

"This could be kind of fun." Richie chuckled. "I'm like your invisible friend." 

"I think I'm too old for an invisible friend." Eddie smiled. His hands were still visibly shaking. He tried opening and then clenching his hands rhythmically. "How do you feel?" Eddie added, trying to distract himself.

"I feel one million dollars, surprisingly." Richie smiled. "You?"

"Incredible," Eddie said while whipping his mouth with his sleeve, trying to ignore the fact he probably stank of sick.

"That's funny because that's what your mum said last night..." Eddie bragged.

"Hey shut up! You can't joke about my dead mum!" Eddie yelled, hitting Richie on the arm. 

"Hey, I'm dead too! We could finally be together forever!" Richie laughed while putting his hands over his heart. "An everlasting romance, how romantic."

"I hate you." Eddie grumbled but scrunched his face which normally meant he was trying to stop himself laughing. He didn't hate Richie, he could never hate Richie.

They heard the door open of his bedroom and a few moments later Beverly wandered back into the bathroom. They both watched Beverly as she bent down and sat on the floor in front of Eddie. She passed Eddie a bottle of water. 

"Thank you." Eddie muttered. Beverly smiled. 

"I haven't seen you throw up that much since your 17th birthday when we stole all that alcohol from Mike's uncle." Beverly joked. 

"Ha, see! Everyone remembers that. It was your 16th though." Richie commented. Eddie smirked. 

"It was my 16th." He told Beverly. 

"Oh yeah, of course, I remember. Richie sat with you the whole time, I'm pretty sure he even carried you to bed." Eddie looked at Richie. 

"I didn't know that." Eddie said, smiling. Richie shrugged in reply.

"Hey, what you looking at?" Bev questioned, staring at Eddie while trying to follow his gaze. 

"Oh nothing, just thinking." He instantly swung his head back to Bev. "I didn't know he did that."

"Yeah, he would never admit it, but he loved you," Bev said softly.

"Not in a gay way." Richie added while leaning closer to Eddie, which made him giggle.

"He did, don't laugh! We all saw it, he had a soft middle deep down." Bev said. This made Eddie smile. He knew that deep down Richie was soft and he was kind, he loved that side of Richie. It was a rarity but it sometimes shone when Eddie was having a bad day. Eddie then watched Bevs face drop. "What you gonna do about Myra?" 

"I don't know," Eddie whispered. He could feel Richie's gaze on him which made him want to give Bev a more 'grown-up' answer. "I'll go home today." 

"Oh," Beverly looked surprised, "ok." 

"Really?" Richie sneered, not taking it as lightly as Beverly. He stood up angrily. "Why would you go home to... that!"

"She's my wife, I need to get my life on track! I can't just sit here forever." Eddie barked. 

"Right ok, calm down." Beverly placed her hands over Eddies. "It will be ok." Beverly's kind smile made Eddie feel more relaxed, but then Richie started up again. 

"She makes you miserable Eddie! Don't do that to yourself!" Richie carried on. Eddie squinted his eyes in anger, trying to think. 

"Bev, could you leave me for a bit, I want to sort myself out." 

"Yeah ok," Beverly uttered, "I'm just a few doors down. Come get me if you need me." Beverly stood up, standing unknowingly in front of Richie. "It's going to be ok, Eddie." Eddie just nodded. Richie and Eddie watched her leave, waiting till they heard the door shut. Eddie mumbled under his breath and placed his hands on the bathtub behind him, trying to lean back and get himself up. He groaned as his knees creaked and his back ached. Richie started laughing.

"Shut up!" Eddie snapped as he finally pulled himself up. 

"What, I told you it would be funny!" Richie exclaimed while holding his stomach. 

"You're a pain in my ass." Eddie grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste and began brushing his teeth in a rhythmic and precise way. Eddie watched Richie in the shower, who was also watching Eddie carefully. "What?" Eddie mumbled with his mouth full. 

"Are you really going back to your wife?" Eddie groaned and spat into the sink. Eddie turned around and Richie was stood ready, holding a towel in his hand for Eddie. Eddie snatched it off him and wiped his mouth. As Eddie walked past he threw it at Richie, smacking him in the chest. 

"Your welcome!" Richie yelled after him. Eddie marched with heavy footsteps into his room, opening all his draws and shoving everything into his empty suitcase. As he angrily packed, he still had the urge to fold all his clothes but he didn't have the energy. He just needed to get out of there. He squished down his clothes and pushed down quickly, taking his aggression out. He looked up and Richie was stood on the other side of the bed staring at him. 

"Fuck!" Eddie screamed, taking a step back. "Stop fucking doing that you stupid fuck. Fucking hell you're scaring the fuck out of me." 

"Say fuck again?" Richie smirked in a flirtation manner. 

Eddie groaned and zipped up his case. He glared at Richie before picking up his case and spinning towards the door, whipping the case in the air. Eddie threw open the door and basically ran down the door. He pretty much slammed his keys on the front desk without saying anything to the lady, hoping she would just presume that that meant he was checking out. He felt like he didn't even breathe until he opened his car door and sat down in the seat to start his engine. He started driving, pushing his foot down. He glanced to his side to check if there were any cars coming, but instead he saw Richie grinning at him. 

"FUCK!" Eddie shrieked, slamming his foot down on the break. 

"I knew you'd say fuck again." Richie bragged. 

"Stop fucking doing that!" Eddie was screaming now. Richie leaned away from Eddie. 

"Ok, Eds please calm down." Richie lowered his tone, trying to bring out his softer side. 

"And don't call me Eds!" Eddie snapped. Eddie was suddenly breathless, he gripped his hands tightly on the wheel, then put his head down on top. He felt his hands become wet. He realised he was crying, no not crying weeping. 

"Eddie?" Richie pleaded.

"Can't... breath... help..." Eddie gasped.

"Oh shit, ok... erm..." Richie muttered frantically, "Where that stupid bag of yours?" Richie's eyes wandered down to Eddie's waist. "Obviously," Richie uttered. He leant forward, trying to list Eddie's arm up slightly so he could gain access to his bag. Eddie tried to push him away at first. "Stop, I'm trying to help." Eddie gave up and let Richie fumble around his bum bag, which was tightly strapped around his waist. He found Eddie's inhaler and quickly placed it in Eddie's hand. Eddie leant his head back and took a few deep puffs. He eventually slowed down, but tears still streamed from his eyes. Richie reached his hand out and placed it on Eddie's shoulder in an attempt of comfort. A few moments later, Eddie placed his hand on top. It took a few minutes before Eddie managed to calm down and took his hand off Richies. Richie took this as a sign to also move his hand. Eddie looked at Richie. Their eyes met. Eddie felt like he was falling into Richie's eyes. He didn't know what it was about his eyes, but he found comfort in them. But now there was more than that. Something he couldn't quite place...

"You good, Kasprak?" Richie asked gently. 

"Yeah, let's go." Eddie shuffled on his seat, looking forward, gripping his steering wheel. He gently pressed the pedal this time and they drove out of the driveway of the small Derry hotel. 

"ROADTRIP!" Richie roared waving his arms in the air, making Eddie laugh as the drove.


	3. Chapter 3

Three hours in, Eddie yawned deeply, he blinked his eyes, trying to keep his eyes on the road. Richie who had his head stuck out the window leaned back in and sat on his seat with a thud. 

"We should pull over so you can rest," Richie said in a demanding tone. 

"Nope, it's only an 8-hour drive, I can manage." Eddie yawned again which made Richie chuckle. "It's fine." Eddie repeated.

"Come on, pullover, it's nine now and we won't get to New York till early in the morning." Eddie groaned because he knew Richie was right, and he hated when Richie was right. 

It took another 20 minutes to find a place to pull out which had a motel. They pulled into the carpark and Eddie stretched as he got out of the car. He leaned to his back seat, grabbing his suitcase once again. Richie walked up next to him as Eddie clicked his car shut with his keys. They marched to the reception with purpose, the tiredness was starting to his Eddie and he just wanted to lie down. 

"Man's on a mission." Richie joked, chasing up with Eddies fast steps. Eddie swung the door open and stood at the front desk. A bored-looking teenager greeted them. 

"How can I help you tonight?" The boy mumbled, barely looking up from his phone. 

"Can I get a twin bedroom, please," Eddie replied, routing through his pockets for his wallet. 

"You sure, dude?" Eddie glanced up at the boy as he spoke.

"Yeah?" Eddie answered confusedly. The boy looked either side of Eddie to what seemed like an empty room. That's when Eddie realised. "Sorry, just a single." Richie took a step forward.

"Good call," Richie whispered in his ear. "We can have a little cuddle."

"I hate you." Eddie murmured while routing through his wallet for a card. 

"Say that again sorry?" The boy said while handing Eddie his key. 

"Oh, nothing." 

><

"Oh god." Eddie spoke whilst in the doorway of the motel room. He has swung the door open after unlocking it and was currently taking in the view. The small and cramped bedroom was certainly a step down from the room he stayed in at Derry. The walls looked almost damp and Eddie could see his breath. The carpet was old and so were the bedsheets on the small bed. 

"Nice!" Richie said while pushing past Eddie, "I feel like I'm in the ritz!" Richie said while spinning in a circle, arms wide. Eddie gingerly walked into the room, taking shy and small steps. Eddie thumbed through his bum bag to find his inhaler and took a few puffs. The door creaked shut behind him, which made Eddie jump. "Oh come on it's not that bad!" Richie strode forward and grabbed Eddie by the hands so he was in the centre of the room. 

"I can honestly say," Eddie mumbled, "This is the worst place I've ever been in"

"That's funny because I think the worst place I've ever been in was your mums..." Eddie cut him off by slapping his hand over Richie's mouth. 

"Right listen up Richie, your gonna stay quiet, sit in that damn corner and let me process this really shitty and fucked up day and just let me think for a bit. Tomorrow I have to see my wife and confront the fact I ran away to kill a clown with a bunch of losers I hadn't seen for years. And now I'm being followed by my dead best friend who is still as annoying in the afterlife as he was in real life. I just need some quiet. Please." Eddie ranted. He looked at Richie in the eyes, who gently nodded. Eddie slowly removed his hand from over Richie's mouth, half surprised that Richie hadn't licked him like he used to do as a child. 

Not breaking eye contact, Richie pinched two fingers in front of his mouth and made a zipper action across it. With that, he spun on his heel and sat on the armchair in the corner, just like when Eddie had first seen him that day. In a comedic way, he stuck up his finger like he had an idea, and strolled over to the bedside table, pulling out the bible. Eddie watched Richie has he pranced back over to the armchair, licking a finger and pretended to read with an over the top thoughtful look on his face. 

Eddie laughed. Eddie hadn't laughed like that in a while. Richie glanced up to see Eddie holding his stomach and giggling like they were thirteen again. A wide smile fell onto Richie's face. Richie remembered why he would make stupid jokes in the first place. This was why. 

He looked down at the bible once again and pretended to read and shooed Eddie off with his hand. Eddie, still laughing, turned round to make his way to the bathroom and Richie smiled as he walked away. 

><

After leaving on the small lamp for Richie, Eddie clambered into bed wearing his pyjamas trying not to think about the germs that were probably in the small hotel twin bed. Even the thought of Richie sat in the corner protecting him didn't help him sleep any better. He didn't remember drifting off, but the nightmares overtook his brain. Eddie whimpered. His nightmares had been getting so much worse that week. He thrashed around in bed. 

"Eds?" He could hear Richie's soft voice from the other side of the room, finally breaking his silence. Eddie felt too weak to answer still caught up in his nightmare, he heard Richie's light footsteps crossing the room. The blanket lifted up and a weight on the bed rocked him back slightly. He stayed in his fetus position, crying to himself. "Hey, it's just me Eddie. I'm here. Everything will be ok." Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie, sliding one arm under his neck and gently placing it on his chest, and the other hand placed on his hip. Eddie could feel Richie's warm breath on the back of his neck. He could feel his heartbeat slowing to match Richie's. Richie's heartbeat. Richie was there with Eddie and that's all that he kept saying in his head. He felt Richie's thumb make circles around his hip bone. It made Eddie feel woozy and relaxed, but he also felt a surge of energy fly through his body. 

Eddie thought he dreamed it at first, but he felt Richie lean closer into Eddie, so his nose was deep in his hair, and then Richie gently kissed the back of Eddie's neck. It sent goosebumps down his body and his heartbeat raced again, but this time in a good way. 

"I'm here for you Eddie. I've always been here." Richie mumbled, his lips still on Eddie's neck. The vibrations sent Eddie into a trance. He listed his arm up and reached behind his head, slowly moving his fingers into Richie's wild hair. Richie's lips brushed up and down Eddie's pale skin, feeling his goosebumps under his rough lips. A small noise left Eddie's mouth, even though he pressed his lips together tightly. He felt Richie snigger. 

"Rich... I..." Eddie mumbled, putting a tighter grip on Richie's hair. Eddie wasn't quite sure what he wanted to say, he was trying to find the right words in his sleepy mindset. 

"No, shush, try get some beauty sleep." Richie reached up and took Eddie's hand out of his hair, and gently held it on Eddie's chest. He gave one last light kiss on the back of Eddie's head. "Goodnight, Eds."

><

Eddie woke up suddenly, sitting up as he did. He was short of breath. The loose arms of a sleeping Richie slid off him. 

"What the fuck, dude?" Richie grumbled. Eddie leant over him and quickly searched through his bumbag which he left on the bedside table. He unzipped it and grabbed his inhaler. He puffed on it, still leaning over Richie. "Your elbow is on my face!" Richie moaned from underneath Eddie. 

"I have to see... Myra... I have to... FUCK!" Eddie wheezed. Richie gently put his hands on Eddie's body and leant him away from Richie so he could also sit up. Eddie took more puffs on his inhaler. Richie fumbled around looking for his glasses and put them on his face. 

"Calm down, what's the big deal, you've been married for like 3 years to this women!" Richie said attempting to assure his friend.

"14!" Eddie gasped before taking another puff. 

"14 years?! 14 years!" Richie declared as he watched Eddie stand up and start pacing up and down the room. "Jesus." Richie mumbled under his breath.

"I can't do it, Rich. I can't..." Eddie grumbled while biting his nails, still pacing the cramped room. 

"Look, Eddie, you can do this. I'll be with you." 

"No I have to do this alone, fuck, but I can't do it, fuck..." Eddie couldn't stop ranting. He was spiralling. Richie could see this. He climbed out of the bed and stood in front of Eddie, stopping him in his tracks, grabbing both the smaller mans shoulders. Eddie flares up at Richie, still panting.

"Eddie, you can do this." Richie spoke trying to keep him calm. Eddie took another puff of his inhaler. "Eddie?" 

"I can't Richie." Eddie moaned.

"Right, who killed a killer clown last week?" Richie said stubbornly. 

"Me." Eddie replies. 

"And who knows he's brave?"

"Me."

"And who's already given this stupid speech to you already this week?"

"You." Eddie said with a small laugh. 

"Damn right," Richie said proudly. He places one of his hands on Eddie's cheeks, "Come on Ed's. You've got this. Go home." Eddie nodded.

><

Eddie had quickly packed up his stuff once again, handed in his key, marched back to the car and started driving. Richie opened his window and hung his head out of the car like a puppy. Eddie kept glimpsing at him, laughing at his child-like ways. Somethings never changed. They didn't talk much on the way to New York. Eddie felt like he didn't need to say anything, and neither did Richie. They listened to the radio, every now and again singing along to the music, and making comments on the news. As the minute's tickets by and the closer they got to New York, Eddie felt his whole body sinking. He felt heavier and heavier. His heart sank. Richie caught onto that. Slowly, Richie began leaning closer and closer to Eddie, till eventually his hand was placed on Eddie's knee. Eddie barely noticed it happening, but when he did, he didn't mind. He felt comfort. 

Then they drove passed the welcome sign to New York.

"Fuck," Eddie whispered, just loud enough for Richie to hear. Richie thought for a moment.

"Why are you so nervous?" Richie asked, breaking their silence. 

"Don't ask me that." Eddie responded.

"Why not?" Richie returned.

"Again, don't ask me that." Richie groaned at Eddie's response. "What?"

"Your impossible to read, you know?" Richie whined. 

"I'm impossible to read?!" Eddie fumed, "You are literally the most impossible human being in the world to read." 

"What? No, I'm not!" Richie laughed.

"You are, even as a kid! I could never work out what was going on with you, you just made stupid jokes instead of talking about your problems." Richie stopped laughing. He just stared at Eddie sadly. Eddie glanced over at Richie a couple of times. "What?"

"Nothing, it's fine." Richie's voice trembled slightly. Eddie hated that. He hated knowing there was something going on in Richie's head and knowing that Richie would never talk. He saw it several times within their childhood, that sad look in Richie's eyes and a tremble in his voice. 

"No, go on, tell me." Eddie urged.

"Nah I'm good." Richie said casually while stretching. 

"See!" Eddie yelled, waving an arm in the air. "You don't talk about anything," Richie smirked in response. 

"You wouldn't want to know what's going on inside this head, Kaspbrak." Richie beamed, suddenly changing his tone, something that Eddie was used to Richie doing. 

"I don't think I do actually, I bet the inside of your head is super gross."

"It's all just porn, 90s shitty music, and pictures of your mum." Richie joked.

"Gross." Eddie mumbled. After a couple of moments, Eddie glanced back over at Richie with a sad smile. 

"What?" Richie asked. 

"Nothing, Rich. I'm just glad your here." Richie smiled back in response.


	4. Chapter 4

"Soooo..." Richie began, "are we going in, or..."

"I just need a minute." They had sat in the underground parking lot of Eddie's apartment building for 12 minutes. Richie had been counting. The orange hue of the lights made Eddie feel woozy. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the light and also his emotions.

"I heard this really good joke the other day... A priest, an Irish guy and a..."

"Beep beep, Richie." Eddie spat.

"Sorry." Richie mumbled quickly. Eddie knew he was trying to help. The sat in silence again, like they had done a lot in the last couple of days. Richie had an urge to tell Edie everything would be ok, that he was brave, that he could do anything that he put his mind to, but he knew Eddie had to do this one himself. 

"I can do this." Eddie reassured himself, even if he didn't believe it fully, he opens the car door and started walking towards the lift. Richie quickly followed. As Eddie pressed the lift button, he tapped his feet anxiously. As the doors open, Richie and Eddie stepped in and Eddie pressed the button for the 12th floor. 

Richie wanted to say something to comfort him, but he didn't know how to. It wasn't that Richie wasn't used to cheering up his childhood friend, he spent countless occasions as children making Eddie laugh till his stomachs aches and he had to reach for his inhaler. But at this moment, maybe for the first time, Richie didn't know what to say. 

Before Richie had time to process anything, they were stood outside Eddie's grand looking door. Eddie stayed there, just staring at the grooves in the mahogany door. 

"Ed's?" Richie manages to squeak out. He gently placed a hand on Eddie's shoulder, who was noticeably shaking. Eddie bit his lip. He didn't know what to say either. "Why are you so nervous?" Richie spoke softly.

"I, erm..." Eddie stuttered trying to get the words out. "It's complicated."

Eddie thought about when he left, he thought about Myra panicking and trying to get him to stay. He thought about packing his clothes while he screamed at him, telling him he was too fragile to make the journey, begging him to stay. He thought about the disappointing sex, the disappointing food, he thought about the disappointing life, everything was disappointing. He loved Myra, but he didn't need a phycologist to tell him he married his mother. He always knew that. It felt natural, marrying the only person who is mother approved of. He loved his mother, but he loved Myra in the same way. And he couldn't explain that to Richie, he could barely explain it to himself. 

With a deep breath, he turned the key in the door, pushing it open. Taking a couple of shy steps in, he squeaked the words out,

"Myra, are you home?"

"EDDIE?!" He heard Myra's voice yell from across the apartment. Eddie quickly turned to Richie as he heard his wife storming through the apartment. 

"Stay out here, please." Eddie pleased. Richie nodded, and let Eddie close the door, leaving Eddie alone in the apparent. Eddie started walking into the large living room. He loved this apartment. Saying that he had worked hard for this lifestyle was an understatement. He drove a nice car, he slept in a nice bed, he wore nice clothes, and he always made sure that he would have a better life than the one he had in Derry. He looked around at the furniture that all matched and the large open windows which flooded the room with light, and he suddenly realised he didn't want all this. It was just an illusion. 

"Eddie?" Myra gasped, walking into the room. She was a large woman with burrowed lines across her face making her look angry all the time. Her clothes hung from her body as they always did, her hands fumbling at the hem of her chiffon shirt. 

"Hey," Eddie spoke. He felt nervous, he was shaking. He hated confrontation. 

"I thought you might never come back." Myra whimpered. Fuck. He felt awful. He loved her. Loved.

"I know."

"You left me, you were so fast to leave, you never explained..." Eddie watched tears fall down Myra's face. He wanted to leap forward and crawl on his knees. He wanted to tell her that her would never leave the house again. He wanted to beg her not to cry. He wanted...

"I know." He mumbled.

"You could've died! You left your medication, you didn't tell me why you left, I thought you WERE DEAD!" Myra yelled getting more and more angry.

"Fuck me, you did marry your mum." The sudden sound of Richie's voice made Eddie jump. He looked over at Richie who was slumped in a lounge chair. 

"Richie..." Eddie muttered. 

"Who the fuck is Richie?" Myra barked suddenly. 

Richie couldn't keep his eyes off him. Richie was staring at Eddie, with eyes he had never seen from Richie. They were worried. But not the sort of worried he saw from Richie when they were in the sewers, no they were almost fearful. But again not the fear that he saw from Richie when he was being murdered, it was fearful for Eddie. Fearful that Eddie was in a bad situation. This confused Eddie because he wasn't in a bad situation, he was with his wife. Richie's eyes finally snapped out of it.

"Sorry I could hear yelling and it was chilly in your corridor," Richie spoke. Eddie tried to ignore him.

"He's no one," Eddie finally answered Myra, snapping his eyes to look at her, "I'm sorry it was hard to explain..."

"Hard to explain? I'm your wife, you should be able to tell me anything!" Myra took a step forward her hands swinging above her head.

"Jeez Ed's, shes right." Richie butted in. 

"It's not like that! It's more than that... I made a promise..." was Eddie could feel his head spinning.

"You promised me that you would love me and stay with me!" Myra screamed. 

"She's not wrong..." Richie grumbled.

"I'm here now aren't I? I'm here with you!" Eddie scrambles trying to make sense of the situation. He was taking steps towards Myra, he was thinking one thing and saying the other.

"But why did you leave?" Myra question, tears streaming down her rosy cheeks.

"Go on, I dare you to tell her why you left." Richie appeared next to Eddie, making him jump and take a step back. He quickly glanced at him, then back to Myra.

"I told you I made a promise!" Eddie explained, getting more and more worked up.

"Bullshit Eddie!" Myra was now screeching. 

"It's true, Myra!"

"Tell her about me." Richie's voice was coarse, angry, spiteful. He was edging close to Eddie, so he was next to his ear. 

"Why!" Screamed Eddie.

"Why what?" Myra yelled back.

"You fucking know why." Richie spat.

"Shut up! Both of you!" Eddie grabbed his head, everything going blurry. His head pounded. He felt himself spinning and spinning, his breath leaving his body.

"Eddie? Get the fuck up." Myra yelled. "Get your inhaler for god sake! You're too fragile!"

You're too fragile.

That was his final straw. Eddie stood back up, every bone in his body aches and wanted to break, but at the same time, he felt an overwhelming power that he had never felt. He opened his eyes and saw his angry wife puffing in front of him, and the loving eyes of his best friend who had taken a couple of steps back. Fragile was the one this Eddie felt like he wasn't in this moment.

"I am sick of my life, Myra! I've told you over and over again, but I've been trapped here! You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't look surprised." Myra took a step back. "I hate my life, I've been scared of everything, and you took advantage of me!" Myra didn't respond, because she knew deep down he was right. 

Be brave Eddie.

"I'm leaving you. I'm sorry. Actually, you know what I'm not sorry. Because this is the right thing for me to do, and one of the bravest things I've ever done and that means a lot more of you knew the week I'd had!"

"Eddie... I..."

"No, don't! You've fed me countless medications so I feel like a zombie walking around New York, to the point where I can't leave the house! You could see I wasn't happy and you were scared I was going to leave! Well, I'm not scared now." Eddie swang his body around and walked towards the door, leaving his stunned wife fiddling with the hem of her shirt. 

"AND I'M NOT FRAGILE!"

><

As Eddie sat in the car with his chest going up and down with the fast breaths, Richie was already sat in the passenger seat holding Eddie's inhaler. Eddie snatched it off him, giving him a slight nod to say thank you. He let the bitter air fill his lungs and his body began to relax. He leaned back in his seat. 

"I can't believe I just did that." Eddie gasped. 

"I can." Richie smiled. 

The two men sat in the orange lit parking lot, the hum of the lights and the distant sound of cars filled it. Eddie's mind was chaotic. He thought this must be what it's like being Richie.

"What now?" Eddie said, turning to look at Richie, who to Eddie's surprise was staring at him, almost lovingly.

"I would turn your phone on if I was you." Richie said. Eddie groaned, reaching into his bumbag. He turned his phone on for the first time in weeks. Nothing. "You'll have to plug it in. We can wait."

Eddie fumbled to plug the charging cable into the car, and once he had done so they both leaned back in their seats. Richie's eyes fell on Eddie, and this time Eddie noticed straight away. 

"What, dickwad?" Eddie laughed. Richie smiled. 

All that love in his eyes, Jesus, Eddie thought.

"I'm proud of you." Richie's words made Eddie gulp. 

He couldn't work out why. He thought back to the other time's people were proud of him. Richie was so proud of Eddie when Eddie first learnt to ride a bike at the age of 9. All the other boys in the neighbourhood knew but Eddie's mum never taught him. So one summer Richie pushed Eddie up and down the streets till he was flying up and down the hills.

Richie was proud of Eddie when Eddie has his first kiss when they were 13 at the school disco. Eddie hated kissing Marler Clarke, he washed his mouth out straight away. She tasted of red fizzy pop and her lips were sticky from chapstick. But Richie was proud of him because he knew how much Eddie wanted his first kiss. 

Richie was proud of Eddie when Eddie opened the letter when he was 17, telling him he got into college in New York. Eddie's hand shook as he opened the letter but Richie leapt around the room, telling Eddie that he could finally escape and conquer all of his dreams.

He thought about those times, and they were the only time's someone had said they were proud of Eddie. They were all Richie. But there was something else. Richie always had this look in his eyes. Behind those round glasses, Eddie could see it. It was a sense of sadness. Although the love and being proud took over, there was sadness, definitely. 

Richie was also thinking about this. 

Richie was sad when he told Eddie he was proud he could ride a bike because he felt sad that he was ever taught and wanted Eddie to have the best childhood he could. Richie was sad when Eddie had his first kiss because Richie wanted it to be with someone special who loved Eddie, not just because Eddie wanted to get it over with. Richie was sad when Eddie opened his college letter because it meant Eddie would be leaving Richie in the dust. But Richie would never tell anyone this, let along Eddie.

The two men smiled at each other, not realising they were thinking of the same memories from when they were just boys. Eddie wanted to reach forward and trace the lines on Richie's face, the lines which had appeared from old age. He wanted to tell Richie he still saw him as that kind young boy who taught him how to ride a bike, who held his hair back as he washed his mouth out after his first kiss, who hugged him tighter then anyone had hugged him when he opened his acceptance letter. 

"Richie, I..." Then suddenly, a noise flooded the car. What felt like thousands of texts popped up on Eddie's screen, each coming with a large ping. "Shit," Eddie mumbled, coming out of his trance. Once the pings stopped if, by magic, the phone rang. Mikes name flashed up on the screen. "Shit," Eddie muttered, "I should answer, right?" Eddie looked for reassurance from Richie, who just nodded in response. 

"Hey." Eddie said gently, picking up his phone. 

"Oh thank God! Where are you? You let yesterday, we were worried sick!"Mike had panic in his voice.

"I had to, erm, I had to..."

"Eddie?"

"I left Myra." There was silence from Mike on the other end of the phone. "I had to stand up to her, I couldn't live like that anymore..." Eddie paused.

"Good for you Eddie, I'm proud of you." And that was the fifth time anyone had told Eddie they were proud of him.

"Thanks," Eddie muttered. There was a long pause.

"Look, we all talked and we have an idea, but it does involve more effort from you since you're in New York." Mike rambled.

"What would that be?" Eddie glanced at Richie, who was looking down at his hands. He looked nervous.

"You have to come back to Derry."


	5. Chapter 5

Eddie didn't ask why, he just started driving. When Mike asked Eddie to come, Eddie would come, without question. 

So, for the 2nd time this week he drove to Derry, and for the 4th time this week, he got ready to do an 8 hour drive. His seat felt more uncomfortable as the hours ticked by. At one point Richie asked Eddie to pull over to rest, but Eddie just wanted to keep driving. They had pulled into several drive-throughs to grab a coffee, which he slurped the whole journey until his hands were shaky from adrenaline. Richie flicked through playlists and they sang along to songs they hadn't heard since they were teenagers. Richie tried harmonising with the lyrics but failed miserably which made Eddie stop singing and laugh uncontrollably. Eddie tapped his fingers on the wheel to the music.

Then the instant recognition of the first few notes of "Your Song" by Elton John. Eddie stopped laughing and fell silent. The piano keys filled the car. Richie stopped giggling and stared at Eddie.

"Eddie?" He questioned, "What's up?" Eddie breathed slowly staring forward.

"I just need to pull over." Eddie mumbled. He indicated and pulled the car over on the freeway. The light was leaving the sky and a pink glow fell through the windows. Eddie sat there, hands clutching the wheel still his knuckles were pale. 

"Eds?" Richie cooed. 

"It was my wedding song." Eddie finally said. "We chose it because it was my mom's favourite song. We played it at her funeral too."

"Oh, shit." Richie fumbled to grab Eddie's phone to pause the music, finally taking his eyes off Eddie. 

Eddie sat back in his chair. Then suddenly the tears started falling from his eyes. He heard another noise fill the car. It sounded like a dying animal. 

Then he realised it was him.

He was wailing. Uncontrollably. It was embarrassing. His body was shaking with the sobs.

But he cried for his fake marriage. He cried for his dead mother and the endless abuse he suffered through his childhood. He cried for the children that he couldn't save from Pennywise. He cried for the years he lied to himself about who he was. He cried for the death of his friend, Stan. He cried for Beverly and her abusive relationship. He cried for Ben and the years of torment he suffered. He cried for Mike and the loss of his family. He cried for Bill and his dead brother. He cried for Richie. He wept for Richie. Richie. Eddie looked at Richie through his blurry eyes.

"Eddie?" Richie muttered, he squinted his eyes and his lips pressed together. 

"Your dead..." Eddie mumbled through his tears. His whole body trembled. "I watched you die." Richie's face fell. They hadn't really talked about it. They hadn't really talked about Richie.

"I know, Eddie." 

"Why are you here?" 

"I don't know," Richie said, "Beverly once said nobody dies in Derry."

"But... I watched you die...I watched... There was so much blood Richie..." Eddie was stumbling over his words and panting heavily. He held his head in his hands as he cried, his splayed fingers covered his red eyes.

"I know, Eddie, I can't explain this..." Richie placed a gentle hand on Eddie's back. "I think it's just unfinished business or some shit." 

"What's unfinished between us!" Eddie now yelled. Pain seeped from him through tears and breathless pants. Richie was taken aback, he awkwardly shuffled in his seat but couldn't keep his eyes of Eddie.

"I don't know..." Richie's brow furrowed and he pushed his glasses up his nose.

"You have to know!" Eddie yelled, he was hurt and unsettled. He loved Richie and wanted Richie to be alive, but this was cruel. "It doesn't make any sense, we always were so honest with either other." Eddie was trying to calm down, slowing down his rapid breathing. 

"Not always..." Richie mumbled.

"What?" Eddie challenged. "What do you mean, not always."

"I..." Richie looked timid, Eddie hadn't seen him like this in a long time. "I guess, I didn't tell you a lot of stuff..."

"Like what?"

"You know, we're best friends, yeah?"

"Yeah of course." Eddie used his sleeve to wipe away the tears, but they were still streaming down his face. He felt disgusted by himself. 

"I'm..." Richie's head was bowed and his thumb rubbed his palms. His lip looked like it was quivering. Eddie noticed tears started falling down Richie's cheek and they dropped onto his glasses then sliding down onto his rough hands. Eddie wanted to lean forward, place a gentle hand on the back of his neck, he wanted to lean forward and place the foreheads together and whisper it will be ok, he wanted Richie to tell Eddie all his secrets. He wanted Richie to tell him what was unfinished. He wanted... oh fuck...

"Wait, Richie." Eddie blubbered, interrupting Richie. Richie looked up at his friend. He sniffed and whipped his face with his hands. Eddie was trying to put his words together. He realised if Richie opened up, they wouldn't have unfinished business. Eddie carried on, 

"Just because you have a secret it doesn't mean you have to tell me right now, tell me when your ready, Rich." 

Richie gave a tightly closed-lip smile and nodded in response. They sat for a couple of moments, with their eyes not leaving each other. Another tear dropped down Eddie's face. That's when Richie's movement made Eddie jump, even though it was slow and gentle. Richie lifted his hand up and slowly whipped the tear falling on Eddie's cheek. Richie gave a small breathy laugh with a half heart smile. 

"What?" Eddie stuttered. Richie's fingered traced down Eddie soft skin and gently grabbed his chin. 

"Cute, cute, cute!" Richie giggled he said while gently swaying Eddie's head. Eddie chuckled while rolling his eyes. He swiped Richie's hand away, which he regretted instantly because he liked the feeling of Richie's comfort. The two men sat back again, looking forward. Eddie switched on the engine again and pulled back into the road. Richie grabbed Eddie's phone once again to start picking out music. Eddie smiled whilst driving. Eddie smiled because he saw Richie stealing glances at him with his big doe eyes. And he liked that. 

><

Eddie yawned as he arrived up to the hotel. Once again he pulled out his suitcase and wandered into the lobby, this time being followed by Richie like a small puppy. As soon as he walked through the door, he almost fell over for the force of Beverly running into him, pulling him into a powerful and tight hug. Her head burrowed deep into his neck. Her orange hair tickled Eddie's nose so he sniffled, her warm smell comforted him. He wrapped his hands around Beverly's small waist. 

"Hey, Bev." Eddie muttered. He could hear Beverly's muffled voice. "What?" He chuckled. She pulled back, looking deep into Eddie's eyes. 

"We were worried about you." Beverly's eyes were sad. Eddie looked behind her to see Mike, Ben and Bill staring at him with the same sad eyes. He looked back at Beverly, trying not to cry. But he was all cried out.

"I'm guessing that Mike told you what happened." Eddie spoke softly. Beverly nodded. 

"Well done, man. Was Myra pissed?"Ben asked. 

"So pissed." Eddie said with an almost laugh. He rubbed his hand through his hair.

"Fuck me, I completely forgot that's why we left." Eddie jumped and swung round to look at Richie. Richie had his hands dig into his coat pockets. He was smirking at Eddie.

"Eddie?" Beverly uttered. Eddie swung back round to look at his friends, who were all staring at him confused. "You good?" Eddie didn't respond. 

"Remeber, no one else can see me." Richie sighed while walking next to Eddie, placing a heavy hand on his shoulder. Eddie nodded, squinting. 

"Yeah, sorry. Just a bit jumpy I guess..." The group nodded in understanding unison. 

"Come sit down, Eddie." Beverly grabbed his arm and guided him to the group, who were all sat down on all the leather armchairs. Eddie sat down delicately. Richie sat down with a thump on the arm of the chair Eddie was sat on. Mike, Beverly, Ben and Bill sat across from him, making it feel like an intervention.

"So, we asked you to come back because we have an idea." Bill began. "We know how much it hurt when Richie..." Eddie felt Richie shuffle awkwardly. Eddie cleared his throat. Beverly leaned forward and placed a hand on Eddie's knee. "We thought it might be a good idea to say bye to him properly." 

"We kind of realised that Richie might be forgotten about, there won't be a funeral or something that can help us move on." Mike added. 

"I'm not sure." Eddie whimpered, shaking his head. 

"It would do you good, Eddie..." Bill said in his calm tone. Eddie looked into Bill's loving eyes. But then his eyes went to look up at Richie, who was smiling down at Eddie. Richie nodded gently, placing his hand gently on Eddie's shoulder. Eddies eyes went back to Bill. 

"Ok... ok... let's do it..."


	6. Chapter 6

erry seemed... normal. Everyone's lives kept going. Eddie noticed groups of people laughing, couples holding hands, kids running around the streets, people at work making sure there earning enough to keep living. It hurt Eddie's head because he couldn't understand how the world kept turning after what he'd been through. What they had all been through. But the world kept spinning, and Richie kept following Eddie round like a lost puppy through the streets of Derry.

Mike had the idea of wearing suits, a dress in Bev's case, to Richie's 'so-called' funeral. It will felt more official, Mike said. Eddie felt awkward about it all. Uncomfortable, in fact. But maybe that's because he had an overly excited Richie whispering in his ear every two seconds. 

"I don't want to have suits at my funeral! You should all be wearing fancy dress or some shit." Richie whined as Eddie approached the small men's clothes shop located in the centre of Derry. 

"Come on, we're making Mike happy," Eddie muttered. The bright sky hurt Eddies tried eyes. He rubbed them as he walked, creating small spots in his vision. He blinked them away but didn't have the energy to complain to Richie. When entering the cramped shop, Eddies eyes painfully adjusted. 

He shuffled over to the suits and picked up the first black one he could find. It was rough, probably oversized, it had probably sat in the shop for ten years. It reminded him of his wedding suit. A suit he never wanted to wear. And he didn't want to wear this suit to this dreaded occasion either. How fitting. He draped in over his crossed arms and got ready to march over to the counter and pay quickly as possible. 

"No no no!" Richie protested, standing in front of Eddie waving his hands fanatically. "You're not wearing that disaster of a suit to my funeral!" Eddie sighed deeply, scrunching his brow. He stared up at the taller man. Richie crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow. Richie wasn't going to give in, and Eddie knew this. Eddie sighed again and turned back to the rail of suits, hanging the old one back up.

"Ok, which one?" Eddie skimmed his fingers over the suits, feeling the texture of each one. This was a game they used to play as kids. Decision making was always something that Richie and Eddie were bad at. Richie's decisions were too erratic and had no thought behind them, whereas Eddie would overthink until he panicked. So as kids if they wanted to watch a film, play a game, decide where to go for food, Eddie would trace his finger across the options and Richie would yell STOP. And right on queue...

"Stop!" Richie shouted excitedly. Eddies gingerly stopped on a black suit, which he pulled out staring at it widely. 

"I can't wear this..." Eddie muttered.

"Yes, you can! It will look amazing on you," Richie said while putting his arm around Eddie. "Just try it on?" Before Eddie could protest, he was being yanked into the claustrophobic changing rooms. He pulled the curtain across, which probably used to be a bright red but was now faded and dusty. Eddie reluctantly climbed out of his clothes and put on the suit. He didn't look at himself once. When he yanked the curtain back across, he saw Richie sat hunched with his head in his hands looking bored. It reminded Eddie of the way he looked when he sat waiting for his mother as a child. As soon as Richie saw Eddie, his eyes shot open and he sat up straight. He bored expression turned into a wide grin. 

"Holy fuck, Kaspbrak," Richie muttered. "You look hot." Eddie blushed but he frowned at Richie once again. He hated being complimented, but when it came from Richie is made him feel warm inside. 

Eddie span round to look in the mirror. Fuck. 

Eddie did look hot. 

The tight suit fitted his small structure, it was the sort of suit that you would see on a supermodel on the front of a magazine. It was showing his broad shoulders and lean body. Eddie turned to the side. His legs looked longer and his ass looked better than usual. Eddie did like this suit. It didn't make him feel frumpy or like he wanted to fade in a corner. It made him feel confident to stand on a table and shout out loud about how much he loved this damn suit.

Eddie caught Richie in the reflection smiling while looking at Eddie, looking him up and down. Eddie smiled as he turned back to look at Richie again.

"Do you actually like it?" Eddie sighed, he felt like he was fishing for compliments at this point, wishing for the warm feeling again.

"Yes, I do like it. The perfect suit for my fun-filled funeral." Richie laughed, making jazz hands to go along with the fun-filled funeral like it was some sort of show.

Oh. Eddie remembered what the suit was actually for, and his heart sank again. He turned away from Richie, trying to hide his expression. But the mirror showed Richie how Eddie was really feeling. Richie could tell it was the wrong thing to say. He quickly stood up and stride up behind Eddie, who was now staring at his reflection once again.

"You look amazing, honestly." Richie leant down, resting his chin on Eddie's shoulder. Eddie half-smiled. They looked at each other in the reflection.

"I don't know," Eddie muttered, taking his eyes away from Richie to look at himself up and down.

"I want you to wear this suit every day. I want to see you in this fucking suit every day. I swear." Richie's soft words were filled by placing careful hands-on Eddie's hips. Eddie swallowed. Eddie could feel Richie's warm breath on his neck.

"Really?" Eddie muttered, this time with a small smile.

"Really." Richie leant back up, breaking the contact between the two men which disappointed Eddie slightly, and Richie went back to sitting on his chair. Once Eddie shut the curtain, he smiled widely like a teenager. He had to shake his head and remind himself he was fucking 40, not 14.

><

Eddie checked in once again, and luckily got the same room he had before he left. It had obviously been cleaned since then, which fresh new bedsheets and the smell of sick had left the bathroom. Eddie hung his suit up in the large ebony wardrobe and flopped onto the crisp bedsheets. His whole body shook when Richie jumped onto the bed next to him. Eddie huffed as lifted his hands up to his face and rubbed his face. 

"What's up, spaghetti?" Richie questioned with a small laugh. Eddie sighed and brought his hands back down, placing them on his stomach, feeling it go up and down. He turned his face to the side to see Richie staring at him through his glasses. Richie blinked a few times, which normally meant he was waiting for an answer and he was getting impatient.

"I'm just thinking," Eddie grumbled. He went back to staring at the ceiling. 

"Tell me," Richie muttered. Eddie looked back at Richie, looking deep into Richie's eyes. Eddie almost felt like Richie was staring into his soul. "I want to know."

"I've always felt lonely." The words spilt out of Eddie's mouth without even thinking. Richie frowned in response. "I guess..." Eddie thought for a moment and looked back at the ceiling. He watched the spinning fan. "With my mum, she was always around and I had to just stay in the house with her constantly...so I guess that isn't necessarily lonely... but I felt so alone. It was the same with Myra. I was always just with her, but I always felt lonely. I think I never felt loved either."

"What do you mean?" Richie mumbled. Eddie didn't look at him, he just carried on watching the spinning fan. It made him feel slightly dizzy but maybe that's why he felt like he could share secrets.

"I don't think anyone's ever loved me." Eddie finally looked back at Richie. "Not in the way that normal people love."

"That's silly, loads of people love you?" Richie almost looked offended. 

"I know that my friends love me, but it's not... fulfilling?" Eddie said, unsure what he was trying to say. "I think because I've not been in a relationship where I felt comfortable with them so I couldn't share all my deep feelings, I guess. With friends, you can share stuff, but it's just not the same. I want someone to love me unconditionally. No one's ever loved me like that. I have so much love in me, and no one to love me back."

"I know what you mean..." Richie replied.

"Not you don't, you're incapable of love." Eddie laughed. 

"Hey! That's not true!" Richie chucked, slapping Eddie on the stomach. Eddie wheezed, bringing his knees up to his stomach, wrapping his hands around himself as he laughed. He rolled onto his side, burying his face in Richie's neck. He felt Richie's head turn slightly, so his mouth was resting on Eddie's forehead. Eddie could feel Richie's smile and felt the breathy laugh. It made Eddie burrow further into Richie's neck. His scent felt like home. 

"You're are soft deep down," Richie mumbled into Eddie's hair. 

"What's that supposed to mean!" Eddie snapped as he sat up quickly, frowning down at Richie. Richie propped himself up on his elbows, grinning childishly. 

"I'm just saying," Richie laughed, "Deep, deep, deep down, you're actually soppy. Looking for your soul mate, wanting romance and all that shit." Richie poked Eddie in the chest. 

"Shut up." Eddie could feel his cheeks flush red and he looked down nervously. Eddie shuffled around till he was sat cross-legged on the bed.

"It's true! You pretend to be this big tough man but you actually have the same persona as your body type." Richie snorted. Eddie found himself laughing too.

"Shush! I can't help being a little bit short!" Eddie laughed. 

They both laughed until they both stopped after a while and it turned into a sad silence. Richie sat up so he was facing Eddie and leaned over, putting his finger under Eddie's chin, lifting his gaze back up to Richie. 

"You are loved, Eddie Kaspbrak," Richie said with a solid and certain voice. Richie's eyes glistened behind his glasses. Eddie wanted to sink into the bed. Eddie reached up and moved Richie's hand away. But he kept hold of it, so both their hands were between them. Eddie rubbed his thumb over Richie's palm. 

"By who?" Eddie mumbled.

"Me." Richie said quickly in response. So quickly it surprised Eddie.

"I know you do, but not like that," Eddie uttered. He looked at Richie who was biting his lip. "It's ok, Richie. I'm a grown-up, I can get over it. It's ok that nobody has loved me unconditionally or whatever." 

But Richie kept biting his lip while glancing down at his hands, which Eddie was still holding. Probably too tightly.

"I want to show you something." Richie finally said. "But I don't want you to say anything until we get there."

Eddie frowned at Richie, but he trusted him. Eddie trusted Richie with his whole life. So Eddie nodded, and let Richie get up from the bed, still holding Eddie's hand and guided him out of the hotel room. 

Eddie didn't let go of Richie's hand until they walked all the way to kissing bridge.


	7. VII

It was around 8pm, so the blue sky was starting to fade and an orange hue started to settle in the sky. A few thin clouds littered the sky, it reminded Eddie of when he used to pull the candy floss from Derry fair as thin as possible to eat so it would last longer. A small breeze moved the trees which lined the road leaving Derry. They used to cycle down this path, and when they got to the kissing bridge, they would jump the fence and hide their bikes in the bushes so they wouldn't get stolen. Eddie smiled at the memory. Those summer evenings made Eddie the happiest he had ever been. Watching nightfall like a blanket covering the sky, with small holes poked out where the stars sat. As Eddie looked up now, he could almost remember exactly where the stars would appear. He remembered the night where they all hung out for the last time. Bill was the first to leave the week they were all set to go to college, apart from Mike who wanted to stay and work on the farm. They agreed they would say goodbye at the same time. Beverly came back for the night from her aunties and once Bill had packed his stuff, they cycled to the kissing bridge, hid their bikes, and clambered down to the Barrons, where they sat on the water edge and looked at the stars, wondering what would be waiting for them outside of Derry. There was a sad tone in the air that night, but they still laughed and told stories. But Eddie remembers how quiet Richie was that night. It was probably the quietest Eddie had ever seen Richie. Eddie had asked Richie if he was ok, quietly just so Richie could hear it as the others were laughing. Richie had nodded while picking up Eddie's hand, kissing it gently, before placing there holding hands between them.

They were holding hands right now and Richie was as quiet as that night when they were 18 on the Barrons. Eddie looked over at Richie, who was silently looking forward. Eddie thought about Richie when he was 18. How his hair was always messy and hanging over his face and square glasses. His cheeks and face had thinned out by that point, so he had a handsome look to him. Now, Eddie could see that Richie was still handsome. Even though lines had appeared on his face, and Eddie could see grey hairs behind his ears, Richie was still beautiful to Eddie.

Eddie squeezed Richie's hand slightly. Richie responded by rubbing his thumb over the back of Eddie's hand. Eddie couldn't believe that he promised to stay quiet until they arrived at their unknown destination, it was killing him not knowing what was going on in Richie's brain. The sky was now an amber colour, with pink streaks slashing across it. Eddie's legs were getting tired. He didn't know if he could walk for much longer. Right on queue, Richie came to a stop, which made Eddie stop too.

"Ok," Richie finally said breathing out slowly. He shuffled around so he was stood in front of Eddie, still holding his hand between them, "we're here."

"Ok..." Eddie said while glancing around before looking back at Richie, "why?"

"Do you know where we are?" Richie said. "

Yes..." Eddie said confusedly, "you're not gonna make out with me, are you?"

"No," Richie laughed while looking at the ground, "I'm not going to do that." Eddie chuckled too but his heart sank a little bit and he didn't quite understand why. Richie carried on, "what did you say before we left the hotel?"

"That I'm a grown-up now?" Eddie joked. Richie half-smiled.

"No, the other bit?" Richie said.

"Erm..."

"You said that no one has ever loved you unconditionally," Richie noted. Richie's memory baffled Eddie, "I wanted to show you that someone did love you unconditionally." Eddie glanced up at the taller man, frowning at him with a confused stare. Richie shut his eyes and squeezed Eddie's hand tight. Sighing, Richie opened his eyes and started walking again, pulling Eddie behind him. Richie gazed forward, but Eddie's eyes couldn't help looking at all the names scratched into the wooden beams. He could see that the tradition was kept alive by teenagers in Derry since there were new markings.

"Remember when we used to walk down here and guess who all the people were?" Eddie giggled. But Richie didn't reply, he kept walking. And then he stopped. He grabbed Eddie by the shoulders and turned Eddie's body to face the wooden planks at the side of the road. Eddie could see through the overgrown bushes to see the sun setting.

"What am I supposed to be looking at?" Eddie questioned. In response, Richie pushed Eddie forward, making Eddie stumble over his feet. Eddie's eyes wandered around, looking for something. Then his eyes saw it, straight in front of him. It was faint, but it was still there. It was engraved into the wood but Eddie could see that someone had put the effort in.

R+E. Eddie blinked.

"As in E for Eddie?" Eddie whispered.

"Yeah." Richie mumbled from behind Eddie.

"So who's the R?" Eddie questioned. His mind was rushing around, thinking back to his yearbook. "Rosie Hughs? Rebecca Lewis? R... R...?"

Eddie stopped. His mind stopped. He stopped thing about all the girls in his class when he was younger. He stopped thinking about how the orange sky was fading quickly and into the night. He stopped thinking about how dangerous it was that they were both stood in the middle of the road.

Richie had slowly moved his hands away from Eddie's shoulders. Eddie turned around slowly until he was facing Richie. Richie was staring at Eddie, with worry in his eyes. Richie looked like he was going to cry. His right hand was nervously grabbing his left arm, he rubbed his thumb in a circular motion.

"R for..." Eddie mumbled.

"Yeah." Richie muttered.

"Richie..."Eddie kept going. Richie waiting a moment.

"Yeah..."

"Oh..."

"Yeah."

"Fuck." The word fell out of Eddie's mouth. The men were staring at each other. Both of them completely silent. They were both petrified to move or speak.

"Eddie, I..." Richie began.

"Nope, just, let me think..." Eddie interrupted, putting his hand in the air to stop Richie. Eddie wasn't quite sure what he was thinking about since his mind was moving so quickly. He thought about every moment that stood out from their childhood or teenage years. He thought about every stolen glance, every time Richie blushed, he thought about when Richie and Eddie would stay up talking, he thought about all the 'your mum jokes' Richie told, he thought about...

"You liked me when we were kids?" Eddie stammered.

"Well..."

"Well, what?" "I..." Eddie could see tears running from Richie's eyes. His mouth was opening and closing, Richie couldn't get his words out, maybe for the first time ever. His fidgeting increased, and his foot tapped furiously. "And you're gay?" Eddie blurted out.

"Eddie, I..." Richie kept trying to answer Eddie's questions but he couldn't. Eddie's eyes were moving quickly, looking back and forth between Richie's glistening eyes. His mind felt chaotic.

"You still like me now, don't you? That's why you're here?" Eddie kept questioning. Eddie took a step forward. "Answer me, Richie."

"Eddie... It's so complicated." "Richie. Now." Eddie demanded, looking up at Richie with almost angry eyes while taking another step forward.

"Fine!" Richie yelled. Tears were falling from his eyes. "I always had this thing for you as a kid, you were always so nice to me and were there for me, it just felt so natural." Eddie blinked. He couldn't stop his mind from thinking about all those moments from when they were kids. "I never said anything because I was scared, I didn't want to lose you. Having you as a friend was better than risking losing you, and you thinking I was some disgusting pervert." Richie reached his hands up, removing his glasses, rubbing his tears away with his hands.

"I would never..."

"No, don't say that, because that means I wasted all my teens years worrying about how much you could hate me." Richie sniffed. Eddie nodded. "I knew we would one day we would both go get married to lovely women and move on from Derry, but I never did. I never got into a serious relationship or had anything like that. I never forgot about you. Well, I did a bit, but I always knew that I could be in a loving relationship. But then when I saw you again, and I heard you weren't happy, I thought maybe... we just slid back into the way we were... I don't know..."

Eddie was bewildered. He couldn't stop staring at Richie who was still crying.

"You make me happy, you don't have to feel the same way, I just need you to know that you were loved. And you are loved. Unconditionally. And so purely. And no matter what I will always lo..." Richie was suddenly stopped by the force of Eddie's lips. Eddie had grabbed the side of Richie's face and pulled him down to Eddie's level so Richie was hunched over. Richie's eyes were wide open. One hand were still holding his glasses and the other was grabbing onto Eddie's shoulder for balance. Eddie was kissing Richie.

_Eddie was kissing Richie._

Eddie wasn't sure what had come over him, maybe it was Richie's sweet words or the reminiscing over their childhood, but Eddie wanted to kiss Richie like it was the last thing he was ever going to do.

As the sky turned dark and the street lights turned on automatically, Richie finally shut his eyes and kissed Eddie back. The kiss tasted salty from Richie's tears. Richie's hand which was on Eddie's shoulder slid so it was on Eddie's neck. He placed his other hand on Eddie's back, pulling him closer. Richie leaned up, making Eddie stand on his tiptoes. Eddie's hands which were still on the side of Richie's face fell down Richie and he placed them on Richie's chest. He could feel Richie's heart racing and his chest going up and down.

Eddie finally started thinking again. Richie was kissing him. And _damn_ , he was good at it. Eddie kept trying to think more and more about the kiss, thinking about how it made him feel and how it made his heart skip, he didn't want to forget this. He pushed and pushed the racing thoughts out, trying to concentrate on the taller man kissing him. Richie's hand which was placed on the side of Eddie's face was warm compared to the cool breeze. His lips were slightly rough compared to Eddie's lips which were probably overly soft from his constant lip balm applying.

Eddie tightened his eyes, trying to push the anxiety-driven thoughts out of his head. But they crept back harshly, crawling at the inside of his skull. It made Eddie hurt. The hands he had placed on Richie gripped tighter into his shirt. He sank deeper and deeper until there lips were no longer connected. And Eddie's forehead was under Richie's chin. His eyes were tight shut and he could feel his breath speeding up. He could feel Richie's grip loosen and turn into a right hug. Eddie shut his eyes tight. It wasn't that he was angry or ashamed, his mind had what felt like one million thoughts going around and he had to sturdy himself onto Richie.

The world around them was so quiet. There was the faint breeze gliding down the dimly lit road, the faint noise of nearby traffic, and the sound of Richie whispering, "Eds, are you okay?" And then there was the sound of crying.


	8. VIII

When Eddie raised his head from Richie's chest after finally snuggling away the tears, the road was dark and Richie's face was lit up by a white glow from the street light. The light cast shadows under his features. The darknesses emphasised his strong jawline and the white light made his eyes looked even bluer. Richie looked slightly blurry through Eddie's watery eyes. Eddie couldn't help but feel self-conscious, he felt so exposed out there on the dark road. Richie smirked slightly. Eddie could tell that he was trying to hold it back but Richie couldn't help himself.

"Eddie," Richie said parting his lips slightly, "You just kissed me."

"Yes, I did." Eddie said. "Is there any chance we can pretend that didn't happen?" He looked up at Richie who was now grinning like a child.

"Not a fucking chance, Eddie Spaghetti." Richie chuckled. Eddie smiled slightly and looked at the floor, shuffling his feet.

"Please don't call me that." Eddie murmured. He kept staring at the floor.

 _Calm down,_ Eddie thought to himself. But he couldn't. He couldn't help but feel riled up. His breath felt like it couldn't stay in his body for more than a second, then to half a second, then to a quarter, and that's when Richie began to get concerned.

"Buddy? You good?' Richie placed his hands on Eddie's arms as his body heaved up and down. Eddie felt his body begin to keel over. He gripped his knees with his shaky hands. "Eddie? Come on, calm down." Eddie could hear Richie's voice but it felt like it was getting further and further away. Eddie was trying to reach up for Richie's face and it felt like it wasn't there anymore. He swung his arms around desperately but it caused him to go off balance. The last thing Eddie remembered was quickly falling on the ground and the force of the tarmac hitting him in the side of the head.

-

Eddie could hear his friends talking but his eyes were too heavy to open. He could feel someone stroking his head. Eddie could hear the rush of wind and the sound of traffic. He was in a car.

"Jesus Christ, how many near-death experiences can we have as a group in one week?"

"Shut up Bill. Eddie, can you hear me, darling?"

"We should be taking him to the hospital."

"No, that would end in disaster, what if he starts mumbling about shit again? How would we explain about the clown and Richie..."

"Ben, trust me, look at him, he's a state."

"Mike, trust me, I know what I'm doing."

"Sometimes I feel like we follow you blindly."

He began to fade away again. Away somewhere far away.

_-_

_"What you going to do with your life, Trashmouth?" Eddie said while kicking one of his feet off the windowsill._

_"I reckon I'm gonna be famous, you know?" Richie laughed, taking another inhale of his cigarette._

_The two 18-year-olds were sat in Richie's room, balanced facing each other on the windowsill. It was the only place Richie could smoke in his house without it stinking up his room. Eddie had one knee pulled up against his chest and the other swinging inside the room. Whereas Richie had one leg in and one leg out_ _so he was straddling the windowsill_ _. Eddie looked at Richie's swinging leg. Richie was wearing_ _skinny_ _warn jeans which had mud splatters up and down them. Eddie hated that Richie always had mud splatters on his legs. It was probably from jumping around like an idiot in the forest near the clubhouse. It always pissed Eddie off but it did always make him smile seeing Richie jump over logs and trip over while trying the chase the other losers with sticks like a child. Eddie's eyes moved up and carefully watched the smoke leave Richie's mouth, and as he blew as hard as he could, the smoke whirled in the wind and flew away. The smell lingered even though Eddie couldn't see the smoke anymore. His eyes flickered back to Richie._

_"Famous?"_ _Eddie_ _finally_ _asked,_ _"For what?"_

_"I don't know," Richie mumbled. "What about you?"_

_"I'm not sure yet, I just want to do something good with my life. Be someone, I guess." Eddie said while looking out of the window and Richie nodded, making his messy curls fall over his face before he brushed them back. Eddie looked over the small town of Derry. Richie was lucky because he lived on one of the only hills. It meant it was a nightmare to cycle to his house, but the views were amazing and leaving meant you could speed up and down the streets._

_"I won't miss Derry." Richie said whilst also looking at the view. He coughed slightly as he inhaled. He always went on about how he was an experienced smoker but he couldn't smoke and talk at the same time, and that made Eddie laugh._

_"Really?" Eddie asked quickly._

_"No, I really won't. I can't wait for our college letters to get back_ _so I can start planning leaving this shit tip_ _._ _College is actually a_ _reason to get out of this hell hole." That statement hurt Eddie a little bit. It wasn't like he hadn't applied for colleges. He applied for the best of the best, whereas Richie picked the ones which were the furthest away._

_"You sure you won't miss anything?" Eddie said quietly._

_"Awh, Eds," Richie chuckled, "Don't get all wet on me. Of course, I will miss you." Richie said, which made Eddie smiled. "I wish I could take you with me in fact. Come be my arm candy on the red carpets." Richie, after taking one last drag, flicked his cigarette out the window. Eddie watched it roll down the roof and into the drain where the collection of stubs were. If Richie's parents ever cleaned the drains, Richie would have defiantly been caught._

_"That would be my idea of hell." Eddie laughed, letting his eyes go back to Richie._

_The two boys looked at each other as they stopped laughing. They didn't do this very often. Where both of them were silently staring into the eyes of each other with a knowingness between them. It wasn't quite clear what the knowingness exactly was, but they knew it was sadness. They both didn't want to grow up if it meant growing apart, but they knew it would be impossible to stay together. But there was also something else between them. A love that neither of them could express. Something that they saw in each other which they could never explain to themselves. Eddie could see a sensitive and loving side of Richie, and Richie could see a brave and strong side of Eddie. Things that they could never see inside themselves._

_"I love you." Richie finally said, Eddie noticed that Richie almost shocked himself that after he said it. Eddie didn't even hesitate._

_"I love you too." Eddie smiled at Richie, but Richie looked down at his lap and bit his lip. Eddie frowned slightly trying to work out what was wrong with Richie. "Rich?"_

_"That was pretty gay." Richie laughed, finally looking up. Eddie gave him a sharp kick and laughed too._

_-_

Everything felt so far away, but it was slowly getting closer and closer. The memory of Richie on the widow ledge drifted away like the smoke from his cigarette. The mumbling voices turned into the concerned voices of his friends. Trying to open his eyes felt like the biggest challenge he'd ever faced.

"Eddie? Guys, I think he's waking up." Eddie could hear a commotion around him. As he finally opened his eyes, light-flooded into them. The outlines of people began to take shape where they blocked the light like when you used to turn on old TV off. It made Eddie think back to the days where Eddie and Richie would lie on their bellies watching cartoons and when they heard Richie's mum coming, they would quickly snap it off and pretend to do homework.

"Richie?" Eddie mumbled without thinking.

"Bill, he's still delirious. He must have really whacked his head." Eddie instantly knew it was Beverly's voice. It hadn't changed much since they were kids.

"Eddie, are you with us?" Bills voice said. Bill's voice definitely hadn't changed. It was still strong yet calming. All those times Eddie had gone into panic mode, Bills voice was the only thing that could get him out of it.

Eddie blinked a couple of more times until he could finally see his friends looking at him. The light hurt him and black splodges appeared in his vision. The heat from the summers day made him feel woozy but he was aware of a small breeze coming in and hitting his left arm.

"Big Bill?" Eddie muttered.

"Yeah, I'm here Eddie. How are you doing?" Eddie could feel Bill's hand in his, squeezing.

"What's going on?" Eddie asked.

"We should be asking you that, really." Mike said with a small chuckle.

"We found you," Ben said, "we couldn't find you anywhere... so we drove until we did."

"We found you at the kissing bridge, Eddie, it looks like you've got a whack to the head," Beverly said. She sounded so sad. Eddie hated making people feel sad.

"I fell," Eddie grumbled while sighing, trying to prop himself up on his elbows.

"How did you fall?" Ben asked.

And that's when Eddie saw Richie. He was sat upright in the chair across the room. His hands clasped together, rubbing his thumb over the back of his other hand. His eyes looked dark as he looked up from over his glasses. He was looking straight at Eddie. Eddie noticed that Richie was biting his lip gently. Eddie could feel his breath stop.

"Eddie?" Beverly said, placing a gentle hand on Eddie's shoulder. "You ok?"

"Yeah sorry." Eddie snapped out of it, turning to look at his other friends. He couldn't help his eyes darting back to the very still Richie every now and again. "Look, I'm still a bit out of it... Can I have some time... alone? I need to pee and change my clothes and stuff."

"Yeah, of course, Eddie," Bill said with a half-smile. His friends all started getting up and walking towards the door. Eddie's eyes went back to Richie who was now smiling faintly.

"But Eddie?" Eddie's eyes snapped back to Bill as he spoke. "I'm coming back in ten minutes check on you. Okay?"

"Yes, Bill," Eddie muttered.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Eddie's eyes fell back on Richie who was already standing up from his chair. He strode over until he was at Eddie's bedside, looking down on Eddie with eyes full of menace.

"Ten minutes is plenty of time," Richie said in a low husky voice.

"F...f...For... What?" Eddie stuttered. And before Eddie could question it, Richie was straddling Eddie on the bed, his hands on either side of Eddie's face, leaning downs and kissing Eddie. His breath was hot and sharp. The kisses felt filthy, not romantic like the first time, but more desperate. Eddie actually liked it. He'd never been kissed like that before. He wanted more. Eddie grabbed Richie's collar on his shirt and pulled him closer. 

_God this feels good,_ Eddie thought. But Eddie had to stop himself suddenly as his thoughts finally sprang back into reality. He was kissing Richie.

"Wait, stop, Richie..." Eddie said while pushing Richie away gently. Richie opened his eyes swiftly and looked down at Eddie, who he was still straddling.

"You don't want this?" Richie asked.

"I don't know..." Eddie admitted. He did want it. He wanted to be kissed like that for the rest of his life. But when he was looking at Richie... "I'm not gay." Eddie finally said.

"Sure." Richie laughed before leaning down again to kiss him. Eddie quickly shoved him back up.

"No... I'm not. I'm not gay. I was married to a woman."

"That doesn't really mean shit in this day and age, Eddie. You can be married to a woman and want to have sex with a guy."

"Sex?" Eddie muttered under his breath.

"If you don't want this," Richie said ignoring Eddie's nervous voice, "I will stop and go sit in that chair and we can pretend it never happened."

Eddie bit his lip. He wanted more than anything for Richie to carry on. He knew it was dangerous, knew it was wrong. _But did that make it more exciting?_ Eddie's eyes went back up to Richie. It was like they were back on the kissing bridge all over again. Richie's eyes were filled with so much love. He was stroking Eddie's cheek gently with his thumb, making small circles.

Yes, no one had kissed Eddie like that, but no one had looked at Eddie like that before either. It made Eddie feel woozy. Like everything around his was spinning but Richie. Richies loving eyes were the only thing that was clear to him. He didn't understand it, but he knew he needed him.

Eddie pulled Richie back forward, making Richie yelp, and connected their lips once again. It felt so natural. The way that Richie's lips moved on Eddie's, even down to the small grinding motion he was making with his hips. Eddie ran his hands up to Richie's hair and tugged at it. Eddie wasn't even thinking when he began to pull his own shirt off, and then Richie's, then bringing his hands back up to Richie's hair. Richie's hands fell on Eddie's chest which was quickly going up and down, fast enough to give him an asthma attack, but Eddie wasn't thinking about that. Eddie definitely wasn't thinking about how he had now shuffled so he was laying down on the bed, Richie completely on top of him, hand gently on Eddie's neck, kissing him deeply. Eddie could feel his heart race. He didn't know where his hands should go, or where he wanted them more. He felt his body melting and all his worries melting with it. As Richie kissed down Eddie's throat, Eddie's hands grabbed Richie's hair, quickly tightening his grip when Richie nipped his skin with his teeth.

"Fuck, Richie, I..."

"Eddie I'm coming in." Eddie suddenly heard from his shut door. It suddenly swung open and Eddie quickly sat up, pushing Richie off him, grabbing his shoulders and yanking him to the side. Richie made an _oof_ sound as he landed on the bed.

"What the fuck dude," Richie yelled at Eddie, but both the men's eyes quickly darted to the door to see Bill in the doorway of the small hotel room. His shadow loomed over the bed. The lighting from the corridor made Bill look quite ominous.

"Eddie, are you alright", Bill asked while taking a few more steps into the room, "you look a bit flustered"

"Yeah, sorry, yeah... I was just..." Eddie stuttered, trying to collect his thoughts.

"Why is your shirt off?" Bill interrupted.

"I was hot."Eddie quickly lied. He hated lying to Bill.

"Right..." Bill walked further into the room, letting the door click shut behind him. He gently sat at the end of the bed as Eddie shuffled up and leant back on the headboard, pulling his legs up and tucking his knees under his chin. He glanced to his side to see Richie lying on his side still topless in the _'paint me like one of your french girls'_ position. Eddie wanted to groan out loud but opted for an eye roll.

"What was the for?" Bill asked.

"Oh nothing, just... thinking," Eddie mumbled. His eyes fell on Bill's hands which were rubbing together like he was nervous. Bill was staring at Eddie with cautious eyes.

"I wanted to talk to you about something actually." Bill began, still rubbing his hands together.

"Oh ok," Eddie could hear Bills serious tone. Eddie knew that Richie could also see it because he could feel Richie shuffle up next to him. The losers were never scared of Bill, it wasn't like that, but they knew that Bill was the dominant one of the group. So when Bill had something to say, they all listened.

"It's actually about Richie." Bill finally said. Bill's eyes stared into Eddie.

"Oh shit." Eddie and Richie said in unison.

"I know," Bill said. Eddie wanted to grab Richie's hand more them anything in the world. But he resisted. "I need you to know." Eddie held his legs tighter, burying his face into his knees.

"I don't know if I want to hear it, Bill." Eddie muffled.

"Ed's it's really important," Bill said. Eddie knew he was going to say something that Eddie didn't want to hear. "We worried that Richie might... fade away."

"What do you mean?" Eddie asked, lifting his chin up again to balance on his knees.

"When you left, we started looking up Richie, since he was famous and everything else... and he still exists but nobody... cares." Eddie felt Richie grab his arm tightly. Eddie looked at Richie who was staring at Bill with wide eyes. Eddie turned his attention back to Bill. "No one's called about him yet. We think it will be like before, where we all forgot, but this time the world is forgetting, I guess."

"What about us?" Eddie asked quickly, even if he didn't want to know the answer. He felt tears in his eyes. Bill looked down at the floor. He hated when Bill didn't know what to say. It was a rare thing because even when Bill didn't know what to say, he would always say something reassuring. It was rare that Bill fell silent. Eddie stared at Bill, waiting patiently.

"We don't know, Eddie," Bill finally said. "But none of us have forgotten yet. We were worried that you were going to forget as soon as you left. Did you feel fuzzy at all?"

"No, I could remember clearly." Eddie looked over at Richie who's eyes still looked glazed over.

"Okay, that's good. So nothing weird?"

"No..." Eddie said while still looking at Richie. Richie was still gripping tightly onto Eddie.

"Ok. So we will just have to wait and see." Bill said, with a hopeful smile. "We're going to have the funeral tomorrow."

"Oh... I forgot about that." Eddie mumbled. He had genuinely forgotten, that wasn't a lie in the slightest. From everything that had been going on, the blur of his other friends needing closure seemed like a distant problem. 

"We thought we could do it at the barrens?" 

"Yeah, that sounds good." Eddie smiled. 

"I'm gonna leave you to it," Bill said standing up and walking towards the door. He turned round to look at Eddie. "We all love you, Eddie."

"I know Bill." Eddie said, trying to smile. He knew his friends loved him. He forgot about them for so long, but the love was always there. 

"And Richie loved you more than anything. We all could see that, but I don't know if you ever did." Bill said. He looked ominous again, standing in the doorway with the light cast behind him. Bill looked at Eddie as he spoke, with the look of understanding in his dark eyes.

Eddie fell speechless, he felt his mouth open and close a couple of times. But before he could think of the words to say, Bill left the room and Eddie was left alone. Well, not alone.

"Richie?" Eddie asked softly. Richie's grip had got tighter as soon as Bill left. "Are you okay?"

"I just... I hadn't thought about it." Richie muttered, finally letting go of Eddie. Eddie watched Richie's hand nervously retreat into his own lap. "I didn't think about how people would just... forget."

"I won't forget you." Eddie hummed under his breath, almost not wanting to think about it. Richie's eyes were filled with tears as he stared at Eddie. He reached a hand up and placed it gently on Eddie's face. Richie smiled gently. "I could never forget you."

"You forgot me for 27 years, Kaspbrak." Richie chuckled. "You can't say shit like that to me."

Eddie smiled softly. Eddie knew Richie was right, but not fully.

"Richie, when I thought of my childhood I couldn't remember anything, no memories at all." Richie nodded in agreement. "But I always felt something when I thought about it."

"Fear?" Richie asked and Eddie nodded.

"I used to get anxious and sweaty trying to think of childhood, so yeah fear." Eddie stammered. "I guess that was Pennywise's doing... But, there were other feelings too..." 

"What feelings?" Richie asked curiously, shuffling in his spot on the bed.

"Good feelings... warm feelings... only sometimes though. Like when I listened to certain songs or seeing certain clothes..."

"Clothes?"

"Yeah... like your stupid Hawaiian shirts." Eddie joked while staring at his lap and Richie chuckled. Eddie hesitated before he started speaking again. "I knew that I was loved and I knew that I was happy. Even if Pennywise ruined my childhood, he couldn't stop me feeling those emotions. You all made me happy. The stupid clown couldn't take that away from me." Eddie finally looked up at Richie. "You made me happy." Eddie paused for a moment. "You make me happy." 

"Yeah?" Richie smiled.

"Yeah. I could never forget that, Richie." 

They starred at each other in silence, that same knowingness between them that there always was. Again, they knew it was a sadness, but it was more than that this time. They smiled at each other, and Eddie didn't know if he meant to do it or not but glanced down to Richie's lips. 

"Can I kiss you again?" Richie asked without hesitation, and Eddie didn't hesitate either.

"Please."


	9. IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I'm sorry that this chapter took so long to publish. I wrote an explanation on my Tumblr, @/bellarosewrites. I've basically taken a wee break from the storyline and done a big old fluffy chapter for you all to enjoy as an apology! Hope you enjoy x

The amber morning sun leaked in through the cracks of the blinds, a slit had perfectly lined up with Eddie's left eye. He uncomfortably scrunched his eye's as he woke up from his deep sleep. Eddie curled himself up more, pulling a blanket up further up his chest and covering his face. He breathed in the morning air, noticing a slight breeze that was coming in from the slightly opened window. The distant smell of cut grass and flowers made Eddie think back to his childhood and those early mornings walking to school when he clutched his heavy backpack and dragged his feet up the rolling hills. 

It happened suddenly. A pang of loss. The bottom of his stomach ached and his brain suddenly chaotic. 

The thought of him walking up the hill as a child to meet Richie before going to school made him feel abruptly troubled. As Eddie breathed deeply he put his hands over his face, scrunching it tight. He tried to hide from the world under the blanket like he had done a week before when Richie had died. As Eddie slowly uncovered his eyes, pulling the blanket down, the streaks of sunlight blinded him. He tried to squint them away in a panic. He suddenly felt like he needed some stability, at least if he could see his surrounding he could feel more planted. Eddie slowly turned to his side to try and get out of the way of the slit of light which fell on the bed. He didn't feel shocked or scared when he saw Richie sleeping softly. He didn't feel sad or even pain. It was like he was supposed to be there... like he was always supposed to be there...Eddie smiled to himself before curling onto Richie's chest, breathing in the smell of Richie's warm body. Eddie carefully fluttered his eyelashes into Richie's bare chest, feeling the pricks of Richie's chest hair on his cheeks. Richie must have stirred at some point because Richie gently placed a hand on Eddie's head so he could lean down to kiss it. His other hand traced up and down Eddie's arm which was wrapped around Richie's stomach. Eddie starred down at Richie's fingers as they moved gently and carefully. He took a deep breath, trying to comprehend the moment. Every time Eddie shut his eyes, he was scared that he would open them Richie would be gone. The moment felt like a gentle and soft dream, and Eddie wanted to cling to it for as long as he could. He rubbed his cheek onto Richie's chest.

"You ok, Eds?" Richie sleepily muttered. Eddie wasn't even sure if Richie was even conscious.

"Yeah." Eddie breathed, speaking gently. "This is just nice." Richie gave a breathy laugh, his eyes still shut. He leant down and kissed the top of Eddie's head again. He let his lips stay there, rooted in Eddie's hair.

Eddie couldn't help but smile. It all felt so soft. He had never had this feeling before, but he couldn't explain what the feeling was. As a man, he always felt like he should be the one cuddling the women. In this case, it had been Myra. At the start of there relationship, Eddie would often wrap his arms around her after sex to try and feel a sense of comfort, but it never felt like they were on the same page or that he was getting anything from it. After years of marriage, they never even got close to spooning in the night. So Eddie had to find warm comfort in other places in his life. He used to see his mum even if it made him feel shit because sometimes she made Eddie feel like he was the most important person in the world. He also found comfort by going for drinks with coworkers, letting them slap him on the back and tell him he had done a good job. He would often blush and sip his beer, wishing he could order a gin instead without worrying the men will make fun of him. More recently, he had found comfort in taking more pills then he probably should, just to try and give him a calming bliss sensation and warmth in his stomach. 

But none of that was like this moment. Eddie's body moulded together with Richie's, sharing their body heat as well as a sense of comfort and safety. Eddie had sort comfort from places to try and fill a void of some sort. No fake love, fake friendship or fake medicine could fill that void that Eddie had felt throughout his adult life. Maybe that void had been Richie.

Richie's breathing slowed down once more, and the long movements he had been making with his fingertips up and down eddies arm had stopped, and instead, his hand was lightly clutched onto Eddie's forearm.

In this moment, Eddie didn't feel like he needed anything else or anyone else for that matter. He didn't feel the hurtful miss of his abusive mother, or the recognition of his hard work by his peers, or the medicine that he took to make him feel more human. Eddie felt calm, like the storm that had always been in his head and heart had calmed into a blissful sun which shone its rays over the hills of Derry. While in Richie's arms, he had no fears or pains, he felt like he was floating.

The ray of light had slowly moved with the sun, now creeping up the bed, fell over Richie's face. Richie groaned, nuzzling his head closer into Eddie's hair, wrapping him tighter in his arms. Eddie threw his leg over Richie's, tangling them together to try and get even closer to the taller man. He foot moved up and down Richie's calf, feeling his thick leg hair. Eddie noticed that Richie still had his striped socks on with made Eddie smile. His underwear, which was also still left on, was also bright and striped. Eddie looked at his own black Calvin Kleins and smiled again at the small differences between the two men. Eddie ran his hand once again down Richie's chest and onto his soft stomach. Eddie felt his cheeks blush as he thought about the night before. The memory of Richie's small groans as Eddie gripped into Richie's hair, or wherever he could grab, filled his mind. It hadn't gone further than heavy petting, but in Eddie's mind, that was reasonable since when Eddie was with Richie he felt like a teenager again. It had been so tender, even though it was rough and desperate. The taste and feel of Richie had been intoxicating, and the thought of it once again made Eddie blush heavily and feel hot all over his body. His was glad that Richie was asleep because Eddie would hate to admit that he was embarrassed by the need and longingness of Richie's touch. Even though the memories were... pleasant... Eddie couldn't help but feel an unwanted ache. 

Eddie thought about why he felt so much discomfort thinking about the night before. He didn't feel embarrassment thinking about Richie or the way Richie made him feel. He also didn't feel uncomfortable thinking about Richie strong hands gripping into Eddie's hot skin, or Richie's teeth digging into Eddie's neck, or even how Eddie had thrown his head back moaning loudly and gripped his fists into Richie's messy hair, making his knuckles go white and Richie groan into Eddie's skin as he licked up Eddie's throat. But as soon as Eddie thought about Richie's hand slipping down Eddie's sides and his thumbs attempting to hook into Eddie's underwear, it made Eddie shudder. Richie breathed heavily as he stirred with Eddie's sudden movement and pulled Eddie in tighter, before relaxing into a deep sleep again. 

When it had started to go to far last night, Eddie just redirected Richie's hands back to the top of his back. But, Eddie couldn't think why he would have wanted to stop it. But even at this moment, the thought of it going any further then it did made the bottom of Eddie's stomach hurt and his head spin out of control like it was happening all over again. 

Eddie always knew he had a problem with intimacy. That had become apparent at his first week of college when he reluctantly made out with a girl in someone's dorm bathroom while they were both drunk, and she had dropped onto her knees and started to unzip Eddie's jeans. Eddie had quickly pushed the girl's shoulders to get her away but then apologised over and over again as he helped her up, saying he just wasn't feeling it. When he had met Myra, intimacy felt easier. She wanted to wait till marriage, and Eddie constantly made the joke that's why they got married so quickly. But in reality, it was more the pressure from his mother and the fact he felt like it was the right thing to do. He didn't have to pay a psychologist that he probably had a problem with intimacy because of his mother, but this felt like a new level. Before Derry, he had pushed down any sort of feelings he had towards people. He loved Myra, but he knew it wasn't right. He knew that he didn't feel attracted to her or that she reminded him of his mother, but again, Eddie pushed it down. He also pushed down the feelings he felt when he looked at the men in their tight swimwear at the beach or when a handsome man smiled at him on the subway over his book. Eddie even had stopped masturbating because he knew his mind would wander somewhere dark and dirty. But being with Richie last night and even now, didn't feel dirty at all. He couldn't say the suppression of his sexuality was cured because even last night in the heat of passion, he couldn't help his mind wander to Henry Bowers calling him a fag as he pushed him into a locker. But he could say that he felt like it eased the pain or at least like it was melting away. Homophobia was deep-rooted into him, so much so he avoided all thoughts of being gay throughout his life, and he fully blamed Derry and his mother for that. 

He couldn't say what his sexuality was in that current moment, but the love and passion he felt for Richie was and is more powerful than any sort of hate in my heart. So for now, he decided not to dwell on it too much. All he knew was that he wanted to hold Richie and never let go, and that was enough.

Eddie turned his head into Richie's chest and looked up at the sleeping man. Even though the angle was unflattering and he could see the spots that Richie had missed while shaving, he couldn't help but feel his heart skip a beat. He leaned up and kissed under his chin. He shuffled up and kissed Richie again on his cheek before placing his head on the pillow next to Richie's head. Richie smiled, his eyes still shut as he turned his face towards Eddie. Their noses touched together. Eddie rubbed his nose against Richie's giving him a light Eskimo kiss. Richie chucked as he sniffed.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Richie muttered with a smile on his lips, eyes still closed shut. Eddie responded by kneeling over Richie's body, sitting on his stomach. He dug his arms under Richie's neck to cuddle him close. Richie laughed and wrapped his arms around Eddie's smaller body. Richie kissed into the side of Eddie's face. Eddie muffled something into Richie's neck. "What was that, muffles?" Richie joked. His eyes slowly blinking open.

"I'm just really glad you're here," Eddie said, turning his face to the side. Richie brushed Eddie's hair back and smiled softly. His eyes looking over Eddie's face.

"Where else would I be?" Richie uttered, the question making Eddie's heart flutter. Eddie nuzzled again into Richie's neck, smelling his warmth. Richie's hand rubbed up and down Eddie's naked back making him feel at ease. His knees were digging into the hard mattress. He clung onto Richie like a drowning man clinging to a raft, breathing in Richie deeply like he was oxygen. His eyes began to water. The faint morning breeze touched his naked back. Richie must of felt tears on his skin because he tucked his hand under his chin to lift Eddie's face up.

"Hey? Why are you crying?" Richie muttered affectionately. Eddie sat up to wipe his tears away. Richie propped himself up on his elbows and looked up at Eddie with his big eyes. Eddie thought about how Richie looked a lot more grown-up without his big glasses.

"I don't know." Eddie sniffed. He put his hands back onto Richie's chest, but the tears kept coming.

"You cry a lot don't you?" Richie smirked.

"Only since I came back to Derry." Eddie smiled through his tears, but they kept rolling down his blushed cheeks. He put his chin down to hide his face, but the tears began to drop onto Richie's chest instead.

"Come on, Eds." Richie sat up, Eddie still balanced on his lap, he wrapped his arms around his stomach and tucked his face into Eddie's neck. "Please don't cry."

"How long is this going to last, Rich?" Eddie sighed.

"I don't know Eddie," Richie sighed. There was a scary honesty in his voice which made Eddie want to cry even harder. Richie leaned back on one of his arms slightly so he could look up at Eddie, with his other hand still tightly around Eddie's middle. "But we can enjoy it for the moment, right?"

Eddie nodded with a smile. He reached his hand up and stroked Richie's cheek with his thumb. He looked at the small freckles that he had just under his eyes and the pinkness to his lips. Richie's eyes were scanning Eddie's face. Eddie wanted to know what Richie was thinking but was too afraid to ask. A small smile was on Richie's lips and Eddie couldn't help lean down and kiss them gently. They both shut there eyes as the tension between them crumbled.

Eddie was thankful for this moment, even if it could be fleeting. But none of that mattered. All that mattered was that he had Richie right now, and Eddie planned on never letting him go again.


End file.
